A Perpetual State of Disillusionment

Sometimes I guess I need to thank those that have loved me for giving me such a high opinion of myself. I'm glad I surrounded myself with people that believed in me. People that don't shrug off when I say I can be the best at a sport, or school, or friendships, or even relationships. Its because of them that I never said "I can't" and always thought that I would be the best at anything I did. And the reality is I'm probably not the best in the entire world at anything; there are billions of people out there afterall. But someone has to be. And everyone should be afforded that opportunity in life, no matter whether its true or not, because belief; that feeling, that confidence, is the difference between thought and action, the difference between average and greatness, the difference between quitters and success. For me, its the difference between not being well and being OK. Some people will try to tear you down, and not just on purpose but completely accidental -- because they don't see you for what you are, what you can be, what you bring to their life. You need to show those people just what you can do. Strive to be the best in EVERYTHING you do. EXPECT nothing less from yourself.

That said, I've decided to change a few things about my life so that I can be a better person:

• I will be more receptive to ideas and people that I don't agree with at first
• I will stop tearing others down
• I will stop pressing people's buttons, pushing them away, just to see that they stick by me, just to reassure myself against insecurities that they do not, in fact, love me / care about me
• I will let things that I cannot control go as they may
• And, I will not, I cannot, change the things, people, and events that made me who I am today.

All is well in Baltimore, all is well. Its a permanent struggle to improve. A constant battle against your inner-demons. And if you think you're winning, its a perpetual state of disillusionment. But if you're trying, well then you're living.

I hope those close to me can see part of themselves in me. I hope others get the courage to ask when they need help. And I hope the rest stand tall and know that I'm here to catch them if they fall.